the lack of posts and the reason for that...
I am stumbling. Lacking time and well, photographs, too. Honestly, kind of depressed.
It's a grouchy, hung over, bad lookin' winter here in Upstate New York. Everything is muddy, gray and brown. 'Cept my beautiful car, which is covered in white salt. I'd wash it, but you know, five minutes later, same thing all over again.
My little kitty Webster got sick and we had to put him to sleep. In all my pet owning years I somehow have managed to avoid having to euthanize an animal, so this was a first. It was not a bad process and the vet was so very kind. I miss the little weirdo, though. He's the one in the tuxedo in the post about my "family."
My husband had a near miss with a job, after being out of work for two years. So the roller coaster ride was rather intense. That was really hard. I'm working on, seriously, minute-by-minute breathing and letting go of my fears. I keep telling myself we are going to be ok and we will get through this, but still, I'm scared. It takes a lot of energy to keep moving away from fear because it's like a rubber band that keeps snapping me back. I don't know which is more exhausting, trying to stay out of fear or feeling it and being wiped out from that.
I'd love to do something more creative. I am very good at my parent advocate job. It's nice to go to work and be happy to be there and feel like something I am doing is making a difference to a family, maybe not right away, but eventually setting a new direction that just might make things better. But I'd like to create beautiful things, express myself artistically. Have some more animals and a nice garden. These things are not impossible, just slightly out of reach.
So as I grapple with these things, I am not writing on the blog. Today, though, I thought maybe I should just say what's going on. I am reading some EXCELLENT books about shame by Brene Brown. They are helping me a lot to grow and accept myself, even the ugly, awful parts of me. And believe me, I've got the petty, bitter, stupid stuff along with everything else. Because I know that the way most people perceive themselves is in a more positive light than they probably actually appear to others, I know I probably have a lot of other, shall we say, challenging traits that need softening. And then, because when I'm feeling down, I am harder on myself than is helpful and so I am probably a little shy on giving myself credit, too. Stress has a way of really messing up how things are viewed by the stressee.
So, as I get more organized and get some focus, I'll be back. Maybe even with a new camera, and some photographs that aren't black, brown and gray! XOXOX